Arkham Days
by ScaryScarecrows
Summary: A collection of one-shots centered around Doctor Crane's days as a practicing psychologist, both before and during his experiments.
1. In Which Scarecrow Meets Mary Sue

AN: Some of you may remember Mary Sue from 'College Days'. If you don't, never fear.

_By all means, do fear._

Jonathan remembers her quite well. Unfortunately for her.

"A Mary Sue Jones is here to see you, Doctor."

Where had he heard that name before? He could have sworn he'd heard it somewhere…

"Send her in."

He glanced at the file on his desk. Postpartum depression after the birth of her…fifth child? Fifth? Did this woman not know the meaning of birth control?

The woman in question came in dressed in a too-tight tank top and shorts ten years too young. She _looked_ familiar, anyway…

"Jonathan Crane?"

"Yes."

"Ohmygod! We went to college together."

_Now_ he remembered her. It took all his willpower not to plunk his head on the desk. What had he done to deserve this?

"Ah, yes. Good to see you again."

No wonder she had five children. She probably hadn't figured out how babies were made.

"I'm glad I got you. You studied the hardest."

Obviously.

She moved a little closer, letting her breasts hang out over her top. Postpartum depression, indeed. He didn't believe that for a minute.

"You know, I always thought you were kinda cute."

He was aware of this, unfortunately. She'd made that very clear.

**_I think she has a nice sized chest, if you know what I mean._**

_Quit ogling._

**_Get your mind out of the gutter! I don't want a disease. I meant for screaming._**

Oh. Yes, she did have a nice sized chest for screaming. He could appreciate that. Did he have any other appointments soon…no.

"I have a very effective treatment for my depressive patients." he said smoothly. "I think you'll react very nicely to it."

"I thought we were supposed to talk about feelings and stuff."

"It's similar to that."

**_Oh, if she only knew!_**

"Oh. Okay, then."

She looked a little put out that he was ignoring her. Scarecrow grinned and eased ever-so-gently into place. She wouldn't even notice. Bitch. She was going to be so, so sorry she'd ever come through that door.

"Take a deep breath and close your eyes." he said. "Just relax."

He plucked the aerosol can and his nice new mask from the desk. Once the mask was safely over his face, he aimed the can at her face and pressed the button.

_Three…two…one…_

The screams began. Scarecrow was grateful for the soundproof walls. Now he could enjoy this in peace.

"Now, Mrs. Jones, tell me what you see."

"…and then I told her to come back next week for another session!"

"You didn't."

"Well, Jonny did. Technically."

"Put him on, Scarecrow."

Scarecrow scoffed. A minute later his eyes softened and Jonathan blinked up at her.

"Hey, Kitty."

"So. Mary Sue."

He nodded and closed his eyes.

"We straightened things out."

She shook her head and wondered why she ever left him alone.

"Just don't…kill her. Okay?"

"I'll try very hard not to kill her."

"Jonathan!"

But that was all he would promise. If she hadn't met this…this…troll…she would have been a little more insistent. Think of the paperwork!


	2. Patience

Lupin fan1-Neither did I. And I knew someone like that. It was rather unpleasant.

AN: Ah, the work party. Or the school party, for some of you. I always touched lots of doorknobs in hopes of becoming ill enough to remain at home.

Jonathan Crane is not a people person. He hates office parties, pep rallies, and Christmas drinks. The only good thing that comes from these events is the plethora of test subjects.

Not only is he not a people person, there is one type of person that he absolutely _loathes_. The optimists.

Arkham is teaming with them, with their permanently smiling faces and their horribly high-pitched voices. God save him from his coworkers.

"Doctor Crane, glad you could make it!"

As if he had a choice.

"Doctor Leland." He hopes a lightning bolt comes down and zaps her. "Glad I could come."

He's not a drinker, but he takes the champagne she offers him. Maybe that will see him through.

He would love to gas the lot of them, but he did that on Halloween and it'll draw attention if he does it at Christmas. The Joker can only be blamed so many times.

He greets everyone, even that annoying intern that has a crush on him, before hiding in the far corner. Where the hell is Kitty? Why does he have to do this by himself?

"Having fun, Doctor Crane?"

"No." he growls. "I hate these. You know that."

"Just keep smiling."

"My face hurts."

She ignores him and disappears back into the throng. How she can handle these things is a mystery for the ages.

He takes a sip of his champagne-ugh, cheap-and sighs. Perhaps he'll be stuck by spontaneous vomiting. Or maybe the place will catch on fire.

By nine-thirty, Scarecrow is begging to be released and his head is aching. He's been here long enough. Time to leave, before he does something he regrets.

"Please, let's go home." he whispers. "We've been here long enough."

"Headache?"

"Something like that."

She drops the keys in his hand and they start making their rounds, thanking whoever bought the cheap champagne and wishing everyone a happy holiday. The garish mistletoe has fallen off the door at some point. Jonathan considers that an omen. He bends down to pick it up and hesitates before throwing it out. What will his toxin do to plants? He'll have to check on that.

Two whole months until the Valentine's party. That's plenty of time to plan.


	3. Tired

Lupin fan1-If all else fails, poison the punch.

"Doctor Crane, there's…"

Kitty Richardson stopped short. Jonathan Crane was slumped over his desk, eyes closed. His glasses had fallen down his nose and his head was pillowed on his arms.

_Poor thing's worn out. I _told_ him to come home on time!_

She hated to wake him, but it really was urgent.

"Jonathan?" she said softly. "Jonathan, wake up."

He groaned and twisted a bit. She shook him.

"K-Kitty?"

"Morning, love."

"What…?"

"You fell asleep. I told you to quit staying late."

"Mm."

"Come on, wake up."

He fixed his glasses and blinked several times.

"What is it?"

"Papers for you, Doctor Crane. And a prescription for some sleep."

That got a laugh out of him and he finally pulled himself up.

"Prescription?"

"To be taken at nine-thirty at night for a week."

"Will ten do?"

"Depends on what that half hour is spent doing." she said promptly. "No work after eight-fifteen."

"Really?"

"Really. Sign those, Doctor. Don't forget to fill that prescription."

Sure enough, she got him to go home at eight sharp-a lovely change from the ten or later he'd been pulling-and by nine forty-five he was asleep. Kitty was surprised he'd managed supper, actually. Most of the evening had been spent watching _Rear Window _on the couch. And…other things. Yes. Plenty of other things. He had liked her shirt better on the floor. At least the buttons stayed on this time.

The new neighbors were noisy as hell. They needed to move their bed. Unfortunately, they woke Jonathan up.

"What's going on?"

"Neighbors."

It took him a minute, but he suddenly went very still and refused to make eye contact. Kitty repressed a snicker.

"Ah."

"Yeah."

"Well, then. It's late, and we have work in the morning."

"Yes."

The last thing she was expecting him to do was fling a copy of _Crime and Punishment _at the wall. The noise halted immediately.

"There." he said smugly. "They've been warned."

They were quiet for several minutes before the noise started again. This time Kitty got a piece of paper and a pencil and handed it to Jonathan.

"Write something biting and shaming."

It took him a few minutes, but eventually he deemed the note worthy enough and gave it to Kitty. She glanced over it.

_To apartment 1406: it's nice that you're getting along. Please go back to arguing-we're tired._

Yes. This would do nicely. She nipped over, stuck the note on the door and knocked before darting back inside. A minute later there was an indigent shout.

"They got it." she reported. Jonathan yawned and closed his eyes again.

"Night, Kitty."

She settled back in bed and felt him roll over to hug her. His breathing slowed and softened. The apartment next door was silent. She could sleep now.


	4. Deadly

Lupin fan1-Working late is not all it's cracked up to be. You start getting addicted to McDonald's coffee, and then things get scary...

Where the hell was she? They had already come too close to being found out! They had to go on time tonight. So _where the hell was she_?

"You idiot!" Well, there was that mystery solved. "What did you think…"

Her voice faded and he made his way along the dim corridor. What was going on now?

"If you fuck this up again, I will make you scream until your vocal cords snap in half!" What? "Do I make myself clear?"

There was a whimper of agreement and a minute later, one of their delivery men came rushing past him. He was slightly insulted that they didn't even notice him. He shoved open the door.

"Jonathan." She straightened her skirt out and picked up her purse. "Ready to go?"

"What happened?"

"There was a slight mishap. It's taken care of."

"Taken care of."

"We had words."

"I heard."

She winced and reached up to remove a couple of errant bobby pins.

"Sorry."

"It was…um…good." He pauses. "May I borrow them?"

"My bobby pins?"

"Your words."

"Oh. Sure."

Good. He would have to file that away somewhere for later usage.

**_Marry her._**

_I'm considering it._

**_Didn't somebody have a quote about this kind of thing?_**

Quote? What quote…oh. _Oh._ Kipling was right. He'd have to keep that quote in mind from now on.

"Come on, let's go home."

She looped her arm through his and they started towards the door, flicking the lights off as they went.

"Kitty?"

"Mm."

"How exactly were you going to carry out that threat?"

"Trade secret, love."

Yes. Kipling was right. The female of the species was _much_ more deadly than the male.


End file.
